Once a man was having breakfast in an English hotel. He look a drink from his cup and then said to the Waiter:
"Waiter, is this tea or coffee?"
"Can't you tell the difference, sir, by the taste?"
"No," said the man, "I can't."
"Well," said the waiter, "if you can't tell the difference, what does it matter which it is?
2011-06-16
2011-06-15
A clever wife
Several men were at work at the top of a tall factory chimney, more than a hundred feet from the ground. When they had finished the work, they prepared to descend. A pulley was fastened at the top of the chimney, and through it ran a long heavy rope. One end of the rope was held by a number of men on the ground.
Each of the men on the chimney in turn tied the other end around his body. Then swinging out, he was slowly lowered to the ground, the men below allowing the rope to pass through their hands with the greatest care. All the men but one had been brought down when, by accident, the rope slipped through the pulley and came tumbling to the ground.
It was an alarming situation. A workman at the top of a chimney a hundred feet above the earth, with apparently no means of getting down! No ladder was half long enough to reach him. If he attempted to jump, he would meet certain death. It seemed as if he must stay there until he died of starvation or exposure.
An excited crowd soon gathered about the chimney. Several plans were proposed to release the man, but all were impossible or absurd. The case seemed hopeless.
In the midst of the excitement the man's wife appeared, for somebody had hurried to break the bad news to her.
She was the coolest member of all the excited company. She took in the situation at a glance and knew just what to do.
"John,, ravel your stocking, begin at the foe," she shouted to her husband.
The man did as he was directed. He took off his stocking, and, cutting the toe with his knife he began to ravel. By the time the yarn reached the ground the stocking was almost gone.
"Stop," the wife shouted again.
Then she tied the end of the yarn to a strong twine, a ball of which she had secured in the meantime.
"Pull the yarn up again," she called.
When one end of the twine reached her husband, the woman tied the rope to the other end.
"Now pull up the rope and put it through the pulley," she ordered. "Be careful not to let it slip through again."
Following his wife's directions, the man soon had the. end of the rope through the pulley. He tied it around his body, and in a few moments was safely lowered to the ground. He owed his escape from his unpleasant position to the coolness and quick thought of his clever wife.
Each of the men on the chimney in turn tied the other end around his body. Then swinging out, he was slowly lowered to the ground, the men below allowing the rope to pass through their hands with the greatest care. All the men but one had been brought down when, by accident, the rope slipped through the pulley and came tumbling to the ground.
It was an alarming situation. A workman at the top of a chimney a hundred feet above the earth, with apparently no means of getting down! No ladder was half long enough to reach him. If he attempted to jump, he would meet certain death. It seemed as if he must stay there until he died of starvation or exposure.
An excited crowd soon gathered about the chimney. Several plans were proposed to release the man, but all were impossible or absurd. The case seemed hopeless.
In the midst of the excitement the man's wife appeared, for somebody had hurried to break the bad news to her.
She was the coolest member of all the excited company. She took in the situation at a glance and knew just what to do.
"John,, ravel your stocking, begin at the foe," she shouted to her husband.
The man did as he was directed. He took off his stocking, and, cutting the toe with his knife he began to ravel. By the time the yarn reached the ground the stocking was almost gone.
"Stop," the wife shouted again.
Then she tied the end of the yarn to a strong twine, a ball of which she had secured in the meantime.
"Pull the yarn up again," she called.
When one end of the twine reached her husband, the woman tied the rope to the other end.
"Now pull up the rope and put it through the pulley," she ordered. "Be careful not to let it slip through again."
Following his wife's directions, the man soon had the. end of the rope through the pulley. He tied it around his body, and in a few moments was safely lowered to the ground. He owed his escape from his unpleasant position to the coolness and quick thought of his clever wife.
2011-06-14
A newly married couple at a restaurant
Once a newly married couple came to a restaurant to have dinner.
"What will you take, honey?" asked the husband.
"Oh, I would like to have fish just like last Sunday, and you darling?" said his wife.
"It's just the same to me, let it be fish," answered he.
When they began eating, she said:
"I don't like it, I can't have it."
"Here, waiter," called her husband, "it seems to me that this fish is not so fresh today as the fish you served us last week."
"Pardon, sir, it is the very same," said the waiter.
"What will you take, honey?" asked the husband.
"Oh, I would like to have fish just like last Sunday, and you darling?" said his wife.
"It's just the same to me, let it be fish," answered he.
When they began eating, she said:
"I don't like it, I can't have it."
"Here, waiter," called her husband, "it seems to me that this fish is not so fresh today as the fish you served us last week."
"Pardon, sir, it is the very same," said the waiter.
2011-06-13
Haydn’s first opera
When Haydn was about eighteen years old he sang in a chorus.*But soon his voice broke and he lost his place as a chorister. At first he did not know what to do, how
to earn his living. He began playing the violin in the streets of Vienna, sometimes he played at dances. Very often he composed the music himself.
One day Haydn's friends decided to play a serenade under the window of a well-known clown, Bernardone Curtz by name, and asked Haydn to write the music. When the music was ready they went to the house where Curtz lived and played it. Curtz, who was at home at that hour, liked the melody so much that he appeared on the balcony and asked: "Who wrote that beautiful music?" "I did," said Haydn.
"You! Then come upstairs," said Curtz. "I would like to have a word with you."
When Haydn entered the clown's room, Curtz gave him some verses and asked to write an opera. Haydn was afraid.
"I have never written such music," he said, "but I'll try."
He set to work and everything went well till he came to a place where there was a storm at sea.
"How can I put a storm a.t sea into music when I have never seen the sea!" said Haydn. And he went to Curtz. But the clown could not help him as he had never been to the sea himself.
Haydn came up to the piano and began trying all kinds of melody but without success. At last he lost his temper, crashed his hands down upon the piano and cried out: "Dash the storm!"
"That's it! That's it!" cried Curtz jumping up of his chair, "Go on like that."
Many years have passed since Haydn's name became famous all over the world. He has written wonderful music to many operas but he could not forget the storm in his first opera. He always laughed when he thought of it.
to earn his living. He began playing the violin in the streets of Vienna, sometimes he played at dances. Very often he composed the music himself.
One day Haydn's friends decided to play a serenade under the window of a well-known clown, Bernardone Curtz by name, and asked Haydn to write the music. When the music was ready they went to the house where Curtz lived and played it. Curtz, who was at home at that hour, liked the melody so much that he appeared on the balcony and asked: "Who wrote that beautiful music?" "I did," said Haydn.
"You! Then come upstairs," said Curtz. "I would like to have a word with you."
When Haydn entered the clown's room, Curtz gave him some verses and asked to write an opera. Haydn was afraid.
"I have never written such music," he said, "but I'll try."
He set to work and everything went well till he came to a place where there was a storm at sea.
"How can I put a storm a.t sea into music when I have never seen the sea!" said Haydn. And he went to Curtz. But the clown could not help him as he had never been to the sea himself.
Haydn came up to the piano and began trying all kinds of melody but without success. At last he lost his temper, crashed his hands down upon the piano and cried out: "Dash the storm!"
"That's it! That's it!" cried Curtz jumping up of his chair, "Go on like that."
Many years have passed since Haydn's name became famous all over the world. He has written wonderful music to many operas but he could not forget the storm in his first opera. He always laughed when he thought of it.
2011-06-12
That's not fair
Two judges were driving home one night, each in his own car, one behind fne other. They were both stopped by a policeman and given tickets for speeding. When their cases came up for hearing the next day, they agreed that each should leave the bench in turn to have his case heard by the other.
The first pleaded guilty and was promptly fined ten dollars. When they exchanged places the second magistrate, after pleading guilty, was rather shocked to receive a fine of fifteen dollars.
"That's not fair'" he complained. "I only fined you ten dollars."
"I know," was the reply, "but there is too much of this sort of thing going on2 —this is the second case we've had today."
The first pleaded guilty and was promptly fined ten dollars. When they exchanged places the second magistrate, after pleading guilty, was rather shocked to receive a fine of fifteen dollars.
"That's not fair'" he complained. "I only fined you ten dollars."
"I know," was the reply, "but there is too much of this sort of thing going on2 —this is the second case we've had today."
2011-06-11
Forks and fingers
In 1608, an Englishman, Thomas Coryate ' by name, visited Italy. When he came back to England he brought little forks the Italians used to eat meat with. His friends looked at the forks and laughed. They thought the Italians were fools because the forks were very inconvenient.
Thomas Coryate argued with them and explained to them that it was not good to eat meat with one's fingers because people didn't always have clean hands.
Everyone was indignant at this.
"Do you think that people in England don't wash their hands before eating?" one of his friends asked.
"Aren't the ten fingers given to us by nature enough for us?" asked his second friend.
"Must we add two artificial fingers to eat meat?" asked the third.
Then the host decided to show how easy it was to use the fork. But the first piece of meat he picked up off his plate slipped off the fork to the tablecloth.
His friends couldn't stop laughing and joking about it, so the poor host had to put his fork back into his pocket.
There is a story about why people began to use them. The story says that forks came into use when people began to wear lace-trimmed collars. These collars hindered them when they ate. They held the chin up in the air and kept one from bending his head. It looked as if the head was on a big round plate.
With such a collar it was obviously more convenient to eat with a fork than with one's fingers.
Thomas Coryate argued with them and explained to them that it was not good to eat meat with one's fingers because people didn't always have clean hands.
Everyone was indignant at this.
"Do you think that people in England don't wash their hands before eating?" one of his friends asked.
"Aren't the ten fingers given to us by nature enough for us?" asked his second friend.
"Must we add two artificial fingers to eat meat?" asked the third.
Then the host decided to show how easy it was to use the fork. But the first piece of meat he picked up off his plate slipped off the fork to the tablecloth.
His friends couldn't stop laughing and joking about it, so the poor host had to put his fork back into his pocket.
There is a story about why people began to use them. The story says that forks came into use when people began to wear lace-trimmed collars. These collars hindered them when they ate. They held the chin up in the air and kept one from bending his head. It looked as if the head was on a big round plate.
With such a collar it was obviously more convenient to eat with a fork than with one's fingers.
2011-06-10
America is great
An American who has come to England is trying to tell Tommy how great America is.
— Well, Tommy, America is great. It is one of the greatest countries in the world. You know, if you board a train in Texas in the mining, next morning you will still be" in Texas. Do you understand me, Tommy?
— Oh, yes. I understand you. Your trains are just as bad as in England.
— Well, Tommy, America is great. It is one of the greatest countries in the world. You know, if you board a train in Texas in the mining, next morning you will still be" in Texas. Do you understand me, Tommy?
— Oh, yes. I understand you. Your trains are just as bad as in England.
2011-05-31
The unhappy man
A London newspaper published a case of suicide, in which the reasons that moved the unhappy man to lay violent hands upon himself were found in the shape of a letter in his left boot. In this letter he wrote:
"I married a widow who had a grown-up daughter.
My father visited us frequently, fell in love with my stepdaughter, and married her.
Thus my own father became my son-in-law, and my step-daughter, being the wife of my father, became my mother.
After some time my wife presented me with a son,— of course he was my father's brother-in-law and my uncle, for he was the brother of my step-mother.
My father-wife, that is my step-daughter, had also a son,— of course he was my brother, but at the same time he was also my grandson, for he was the son of my daughter. My wife was also my grandmother, being the mother of my mother.
I was the husband of my wife, but at the same time also her grandson, and since the husband of my grandmother is naturally also my grandfather, I am my own grandfather! ... I should like to see the man who could bear all this,"
"I married a widow who had a grown-up daughter.
My father visited us frequently, fell in love with my stepdaughter, and married her.
Thus my own father became my son-in-law, and my step-daughter, being the wife of my father, became my mother.
After some time my wife presented me with a son,— of course he was my father's brother-in-law and my uncle, for he was the brother of my step-mother.
My father-wife, that is my step-daughter, had also a son,— of course he was my brother, but at the same time he was also my grandson, for he was the son of my daughter. My wife was also my grandmother, being the mother of my mother.
I was the husband of my wife, but at the same time also her grandson, and since the husband of my grandmother is naturally also my grandfather, I am my own grandfather! ... I should like to see the man who could bear all this,"
2011-05-30
Two jokes
John became a policeman. His lieutenant said to him on the first day: "John, I shall give you an easy beat to start with,1 just from the station house to that red light and back."
John disappeared for two days.
"Where the devil were you?" shouted the lieutenant when John came back. "Didn't I tell you your beat was just from here to that red light?"
"You did," answered John, "but that red light was on the back of the car."
* * *
He: May I kiss your hand?
She: Why? Is anything wrong' with my lips?
John disappeared for two days.
"Where the devil were you?" shouted the lieutenant when John came back. "Didn't I tell you your beat was just from here to that red light?"
"You did," answered John, "but that red light was on the back of the car."
* * *
He: May I kiss your hand?
She: Why? Is anything wrong' with my lips?
2011-05-29
The Policeman and the Thief
In a small town, a man stole some money from a house. The police began to look for the thief. In two days they found him. They brought him to the police station and found some of the money in his coat.
There was a new policeman at the police station, and they wanted to give him some work.
"Take this thief to the city," said one of them. "You must go there by train and it goes very soon. Don't be late."
The policeman and the thief went to the station. On their way they came to a shop where bread was sold.
"We have-no food, and we must eat something in the train," said the thief. "It's a long way to the city and it will take us much time to get there. I'll go into this shop and buy some bread. Then you and I can eat it in the train. Wait here for me."
The policeman was glad. "I'll have some food in the train," he thought. "Be quick," he said to the thief. "We haven't much time."
The thief went into the shop, and the policeman waited in the street for a long time. He began to worry. He thought about the train, and at last he went into the shop.
"Where's that man who came in here to buy some bread?" asked the policeman.
"Oh, he went out by the back door," said the shopkeeper.
The policeman ran out but he could not see the thief. So he had to go back to the police station and tell the others about it. They were very angry with him, and he was very unhappy.
All the police of the town began to look for the thief again, and they soon caught him. They brought him back to the police station and called the same policeman.
"Now," said one of them, "take him to the city, and don't lose him again."
The policeman and the thief went to the station, and they came to the same shop.
"Wait here," said the thief. "I want to go into that shop and buy some bread."
"Oh, no," said the policeman. "You did that once, and you ran away. This time, I'll go into the shop and buy the bread, and you must wait here for me."
There was a new policeman at the police station, and they wanted to give him some work.
"Take this thief to the city," said one of them. "You must go there by train and it goes very soon. Don't be late."
The policeman and the thief went to the station. On their way they came to a shop where bread was sold.
"We have-no food, and we must eat something in the train," said the thief. "It's a long way to the city and it will take us much time to get there. I'll go into this shop and buy some bread. Then you and I can eat it in the train. Wait here for me."
The policeman was glad. "I'll have some food in the train," he thought. "Be quick," he said to the thief. "We haven't much time."
The thief went into the shop, and the policeman waited in the street for a long time. He began to worry. He thought about the train, and at last he went into the shop.
"Where's that man who came in here to buy some bread?" asked the policeman.
"Oh, he went out by the back door," said the shopkeeper.
The policeman ran out but he could not see the thief. So he had to go back to the police station and tell the others about it. They were very angry with him, and he was very unhappy.
All the police of the town began to look for the thief again, and they soon caught him. They brought him back to the police station and called the same policeman.
"Now," said one of them, "take him to the city, and don't lose him again."
The policeman and the thief went to the station, and they came to the same shop.
"Wait here," said the thief. "I want to go into that shop and buy some bread."
"Oh, no," said the policeman. "You did that once, and you ran away. This time, I'll go into the shop and buy the bread, and you must wait here for me."
2011-05-28
Did your father punish you?
Teacher: Did your father punish you when you came home last night?
Sandy: Yes, sir.
Teacher: How did he do it?
Sandy: He made me stay in the room where my sister was doing her singing practice.
* * *
Little Jim was the center of an admiring group of men and women for he had gone over a thin ice and saved his friend. "You have risked your life foor your friend!" they said.
"I had to," answered Jim. "He had my new skates on."
* * *
I could never get my 12-years old daughter to read the book "Alice in Wonder Land1" until the BBC declared it unsuitable for children.
Sandy: Yes, sir.
Teacher: How did he do it?
Sandy: He made me stay in the room where my sister was doing her singing practice.
* * *
Little Jim was the center of an admiring group of men and women for he had gone over a thin ice and saved his friend. "You have risked your life foor your friend!" they said.
"I had to," answered Jim. "He had my new skates on."
* * *
I could never get my 12-years old daughter to read the book "Alice in Wonder Land1" until the BBC declared it unsuitable for children.
2011-05-27
A modest maid
One day Mrs. Smith's servant girl, Ellen by name, was sent down town l shopping.
It was getting late at night when she returned from the shops with various domestic purchases.
As she explained the transaction to her mistress she cried out suddenly, "There! If I haven't forgotten the ham and eggs for breakfast."
"That's a pity," observed the mistress. But then she added with kindly philosophy: "Never mind. The shops will all be shut now. We shall have to get along3 in the morning with bread and butter and marmalade."
The maid started. "And what shall I have?" she inquired.
"Well, Ellen, I suppose you'll have the same as we do," replied the mistress.
"Yes, Mrs. Smith," responded Ellen with some severity, "but let me tell you I can't do my work unless I'm properly fed."
It was getting late at night when she returned from the shops with various domestic purchases.
As she explained the transaction to her mistress she cried out suddenly, "There! If I haven't forgotten the ham and eggs for breakfast."
"That's a pity," observed the mistress. But then she added with kindly philosophy: "Never mind. The shops will all be shut now. We shall have to get along3 in the morning with bread and butter and marmalade."
The maid started. "And what shall I have?" she inquired.
"Well, Ellen, I suppose you'll have the same as we do," replied the mistress.
"Yes, Mrs. Smith," responded Ellen with some severity, "but let me tell you I can't do my work unless I'm properly fed."
2011-05-26
Three good short jokes
Once a motor-car ran down a man.
Its driver said to the man: "It's not my fault, I'm a very careful driver, I have been driving a car for five years."
"Oh, you've got nothing on me," said the man, "I've been walking for 55 years."
* * *
Teacher: Tell me, please, how old is a person born in 1920?
Student: Please, sir, lady or gentleman?
* * *
— Why did you divorce your wife?
— Because her parrot was saying all the time: "Kiss me, Harry!"
— That is not a reason for a divorce
— Maybe, but my name is Sam.
Its driver said to the man: "It's not my fault, I'm a very careful driver, I have been driving a car for five years."
"Oh, you've got nothing on me," said the man, "I've been walking for 55 years."
* * *
Teacher: Tell me, please, how old is a person born in 1920?
Student: Please, sir, lady or gentleman?
* * *
— Why did you divorce your wife?
— Because her parrot was saying all the time: "Kiss me, Harry!"
— That is not a reason for a divorce
— Maybe, but my name is Sam.
2011-05-25
Smart guy in jeweller's shop
One morning a well-dressed gentleman of aristocratic bearing accompanied by his man-servant entered a jeweller's shop in Bond Street in London.
The gentleman wore his right arm in a sling. He began to examine the rings and when, he had selected a couple of rings to the value of one thousand pounds, he put his hand into his breast pocket, as he wished to pay for the rings at once.
"Oh, hang it! I must have left my wallet at home. Here, Daniel," he said to his servant, "take the car, drive back to my wife and ask her to give you the money. Oh, Mr. ... just oblige me with a sheet of notepaper to write a few lines, please."
The jeweller at once complied with the request, and the gentleman tried to write, but found it difficult, as his hand was bandaged and quite painful.
"No, I cannot manage it. Would you please write it for me?"
So the jeweller took the pen and paper and at the dictation of the gentleman wrote:
"Kindly send me a thousand pounds via bearer — Theophilus."
"What a strange ccvncidence," observed the jeweller. "My name is Theophilus, too."
"Ah, I am glad to hear it," replied the gentleman while his man took the note and left by the swanky car outside the door.
The jeweller and the gentleman waited for a very long time, until the latter began to yawn and show signs of impatience, and after a further wait he said:
"I must go home and see what has caused the delay. Keep the rings for time being, and tomorrow I shall call for them and take them away."
When the jeweller arrived home in the evening he told his wife that he did a fair stroke of business with a strange gentleman.
"Indeed?" his wife replied. "But why then did you send home for a thousand pounds?"
"What? I ... didn't ..."
"What on earth's the matter with you?" interrupted his wife. "That's your handwriting, isn't it? And that's your notepaper, isn't it?"
The jeweller fainted.
The gentleman wore his right arm in a sling. He began to examine the rings and when, he had selected a couple of rings to the value of one thousand pounds, he put his hand into his breast pocket, as he wished to pay for the rings at once.
"Oh, hang it! I must have left my wallet at home. Here, Daniel," he said to his servant, "take the car, drive back to my wife and ask her to give you the money. Oh, Mr. ... just oblige me with a sheet of notepaper to write a few lines, please."
The jeweller at once complied with the request, and the gentleman tried to write, but found it difficult, as his hand was bandaged and quite painful.
"No, I cannot manage it. Would you please write it for me?"
So the jeweller took the pen and paper and at the dictation of the gentleman wrote:
"Kindly send me a thousand pounds via bearer — Theophilus."
"What a strange ccvncidence," observed the jeweller. "My name is Theophilus, too."
"Ah, I am glad to hear it," replied the gentleman while his man took the note and left by the swanky car outside the door.
The jeweller and the gentleman waited for a very long time, until the latter began to yawn and show signs of impatience, and after a further wait he said:
"I must go home and see what has caused the delay. Keep the rings for time being, and tomorrow I shall call for them and take them away."
When the jeweller arrived home in the evening he told his wife that he did a fair stroke of business with a strange gentleman.
"Indeed?" his wife replied. "But why then did you send home for a thousand pounds?"
"What? I ... didn't ..."
"What on earth's the matter with you?" interrupted his wife. "That's your handwriting, isn't it? And that's your notepaper, isn't it?"
The jeweller fainted.
2011-05-24
There is nothing like honesty
A man and a boy were walking along a quiet street when the man bent down and picked up a glove lying on the pavement.
"There is nothing like honesty, my boy," he said, as he placed the glove behind some railings.
A hundred yards farther on they saw another glove.
"Goodness me!" ejaculated the man, as he picked it up and tried it on, "if this isn't the neighbour to the first one —and just my size. Go back, Jimmy, and fetch the other."
"There is nothing like honesty, my boy," he said, as he placed the glove behind some railings.
A hundred yards farther on they saw another glove.
"Goodness me!" ejaculated the man, as he picked it up and tried it on, "if this isn't the neighbour to the first one —and just my size. Go back, Jimmy, and fetch the other."
2011-05-23
Languages - not only with the help of words
When we want to tell other people what we think, we can do it not only with the help of words, but also in many other ways. For instance, we sometimes move our heads up and down when we want to say "yes," and we move our heads from side to side when we want to say "no."
People who can neither hear nor speak (that is, deaf and dumb people) talk to each other with the help of their fingers. People who do not understand each other's language have to do the same. The following story shows how they sometimes do it.
An Englishman who could not speak Italian was once travelling in Italy. One day he entered a restaurant and sat down at a table. When the waiter came, the Englishman opened his mouth, put his fingers in it, took them out again and moved his lips. In this way he meant to say, "Bring me something to eat."
The waiter soon brought him a cup of tea. The Englishman shook his head, and the waiter understood that he didn't want tea, so he took it away and brought him some coffee.
The Englishman, who was very hungry by this time and not at all thirsty, looked very sad. He shook his head each time the waiter brought him something to drink. He brought him wine, then beer, then soda-water, but that wasn't food, of course.
He was just going to leave the restaurant when another traveller came in. When this man saw the waiter, he put his hands on his stomach. That was enough: in a few minutes there was a large plate of macaroni and meat on the table before him.
As you see, the primitive language of signs is not always very clear. The language of words is much more exact.
People who can neither hear nor speak (that is, deaf and dumb people) talk to each other with the help of their fingers. People who do not understand each other's language have to do the same. The following story shows how they sometimes do it.
An Englishman who could not speak Italian was once travelling in Italy. One day he entered a restaurant and sat down at a table. When the waiter came, the Englishman opened his mouth, put his fingers in it, took them out again and moved his lips. In this way he meant to say, "Bring me something to eat."
The waiter soon brought him a cup of tea. The Englishman shook his head, and the waiter understood that he didn't want tea, so he took it away and brought him some coffee.
The Englishman, who was very hungry by this time and not at all thirsty, looked very sad. He shook his head each time the waiter brought him something to drink. He brought him wine, then beer, then soda-water, but that wasn't food, of course.
He was just going to leave the restaurant when another traveller came in. When this man saw the waiter, he put his hands on his stomach. That was enough: in a few minutes there was a large plate of macaroni and meat on the table before him.
As you see, the primitive language of signs is not always very clear. The language of words is much more exact.
2011-05-22
This letter is not for you
Mr. Brown went to London on a business trip. He stopped at a small hotel. As he was very tired he went to his room and soon was sound asleep. Suddenly he heard some loud knocks on his door and nervously sat up in bed.
"What is the matter?" he asked.
"A letter downstairs for you, sir."
"Well, it can wait till morning, I think."
The boy went down the corridor, and after a long time the guest fell asleep again. But then another knock came at the door.
"What's up now?" cried Mr. Brown.
"It's not for you, that letter," was the reply.
"What is the matter?" he asked.
"A letter downstairs for you, sir."
"Well, it can wait till morning, I think."
The boy went down the corridor, and after a long time the guest fell asleep again. But then another knock came at the door.
"What's up now?" cried Mr. Brown.
"It's not for you, that letter," was the reply.
2011-05-21
At a border station
One man was going to France on a business trip. He went to the booking-office to book a seat for the train to Paris. There were trains daily and the man booked a seat for the morning train.
The next morning the man arrived at the station and got into a train. Soon the train started off. It ran to the schedule and some hours later stopped at a French border station.
The man together with the other passengers, who were going abroad, went out as he had to register his ticket and passport. Then he filled in a declaration and gave it to the customs official.
Some minutes later the customs official allowed the passengers to take their seats in the train and said that he would inspect their luggage.
The man went into his compartment, opened his suitcases, took many boxes of cigarettes out of them and wanted to put all of them into his pockets. But there were too many boxes. When all his pockets were full of cigarette boxes, he turned to another passenger, who was sitting at the window in the same compartment.
"Will you please take some of these boxes and put them into your pockets?" he asked.
"Why don't you leave them in your suit-cases?"
"Because I don't want to pay duty on them."
"All right," said the passenger at the window, "give them to me. But I must tell you that I shall not return them to you."
"Why?"
"Because I am a French customs official."
The next morning the man arrived at the station and got into a train. Soon the train started off. It ran to the schedule and some hours later stopped at a French border station.
The man together with the other passengers, who were going abroad, went out as he had to register his ticket and passport. Then he filled in a declaration and gave it to the customs official.
Some minutes later the customs official allowed the passengers to take their seats in the train and said that he would inspect their luggage.
The man went into his compartment, opened his suitcases, took many boxes of cigarettes out of them and wanted to put all of them into his pockets. But there were too many boxes. When all his pockets were full of cigarette boxes, he turned to another passenger, who was sitting at the window in the same compartment.
"Will you please take some of these boxes and put them into your pockets?" he asked.
"Why don't you leave them in your suit-cases?"
"Because I don't want to pay duty on them."
"All right," said the passenger at the window, "give them to me. But I must tell you that I shall not return them to you."
"Why?"
"Because I am a French customs official."
2011-05-20
Say - I am paid — and it will help you
Once a young Frenchman came to the doctor.
"Oh," said he, "I have a terrible headache, help me, please."
The doctor decided to try a new method and said to the patient:
"Repeat three times the sentence —I am well."
The patient did it and felt much better. He told the doctor about it. .
"500 euros," said the doctor, satisfied with the results.
"Repeat three times the sentence —I am paid — and it will help you," said the patient.
"Oh," said he, "I have a terrible headache, help me, please."
The doctor decided to try a new method and said to the patient:
"Repeat three times the sentence —I am well."
The patient did it and felt much better. He told the doctor about it. .
"500 euros," said the doctor, satisfied with the results.
"Repeat three times the sentence —I am paid — and it will help you," said the patient.
2011-05-19
Mistakes will happen
A big Irishman strolled into the Civil Service room where physical examinations for candidates for the police force were held.
"Strip," ordered the police surgeon.
"What, sir?"
"Get your clothes off, and be quick about it," said the doctor.
The Irishman undressed. The doctor measured his chest and sounded his back.
"Jump over this rod," was the doctor's next command.
The man did his best, landing on his back.
"Double up your knees and touch the floor with your hands."
The Irishman lost his balance and fell sprawling upon the floor. He was indignant but silent.
"Now jump under this cold shower," commanded the doctor.
"That's funny," muttered the applicant.
"Now run around the room ten times. I want to test your heart and wind."
This last order was too much. "I'll not," the Irishman declared defiantly. "I'll stay single."
"Single?" inquired the doctor puzzled.
"Single," repeated the Irishman with determination. "What's all this funny business got to do with a marriage license anyhow?"
"Oh," cried out the doctor laughing, "poor fellow, you have strayed into the wrong bureau!"
"Strip," ordered the police surgeon.
"What, sir?"
"Get your clothes off, and be quick about it," said the doctor.
The Irishman undressed. The doctor measured his chest and sounded his back.
"Jump over this rod," was the doctor's next command.
The man did his best, landing on his back.
"Double up your knees and touch the floor with your hands."
The Irishman lost his balance and fell sprawling upon the floor. He was indignant but silent.
"Now jump under this cold shower," commanded the doctor.
"That's funny," muttered the applicant.
"Now run around the room ten times. I want to test your heart and wind."
This last order was too much. "I'll not," the Irishman declared defiantly. "I'll stay single."
"Single?" inquired the doctor puzzled.
"Single," repeated the Irishman with determination. "What's all this funny business got to do with a marriage license anyhow?"
"Oh," cried out the doctor laughing, "poor fellow, you have strayed into the wrong bureau!"
2011-05-18
How many ribs has a man?
Teacher: Now, tell me, Ann, how many ribs has a man?
Ann: I'm sorry, ask somebody else, I can't count them to the end.
Teacher: But why? Have you any valid reason?
Ann: Oh, yes, I'm ticklish.
Ann: I'm sorry, ask somebody else, I can't count them to the end.
Teacher: But why? Have you any valid reason?
Ann: Oh, yes, I'm ticklish.
2011-05-17
It's no joke starting to smoke at my time of life
"Medicine won't help you at all", the doctor told his patient.
"What you need is a complete change of living. Get away to some quiet country place for a month. Go to bed early, eat more roast beef, drink plenty of good rich milk, and smoke just one cigar a day."
A month later the patient walked into the doctor's office. He looked like a new man, and the doctor told him so.
"Yes, doctor, your advice certainly did the business. I went to bed early, ate more roast beef and did all the other things you had told me. But, doctor, that one cigar a day almost killed me at first. It's no joke starting to smoke at my time of life."
"What you need is a complete change of living. Get away to some quiet country place for a month. Go to bed early, eat more roast beef, drink plenty of good rich milk, and smoke just one cigar a day."
A month later the patient walked into the doctor's office. He looked like a new man, and the doctor told him so.
"Yes, doctor, your advice certainly did the business. I went to bed early, ate more roast beef and did all the other things you had told me. But, doctor, that one cigar a day almost killed me at first. It's no joke starting to smoke at my time of life."
2011-05-16
A dentist and his patient
One bright summer morning a well-dressed young man, who looked like a gentleman, called to see a well-known dentist in Picadilly street in London.
He was shown into the waiting-room and told that the dentist would be ready to see him in the dentistry in a few minutes.
The dentist was attending to another case at that time but he happened to glance through the door which was only partially shut. He saw a man removing various silver ornaments, which were scattered about the room, and putting them into his pockets.
The man was about to leave the house, when the dentist requested him to come into his dentistry and to be seated.
The dentist began examining the man's teeth. On finishing the examination the dentist said:
"If you want to escape serious consequences, you must undergo a painful extraction together with a lancing of the gum. But don't be afraid you will be given gas3 and you won't feel anything at all."
The patient expressed much unwillingness to undergo the treatment. He said:
"You see, doctor, I'm not prepared for such a serious treatment today, I'll call on you in some days again, and then..."
But the dentist, paying no heed to his objections, administered a powerful anaesthetic. It rapidly made the man unconscious.
Then the dentist sent for the police.
The man was removed and woke up a couple of hours later to find himself securely locked' up in prison.
He was shown into the waiting-room and told that the dentist would be ready to see him in the dentistry in a few minutes.
The dentist was attending to another case at that time but he happened to glance through the door which was only partially shut. He saw a man removing various silver ornaments, which were scattered about the room, and putting them into his pockets.
The man was about to leave the house, when the dentist requested him to come into his dentistry and to be seated.
The dentist began examining the man's teeth. On finishing the examination the dentist said:
"If you want to escape serious consequences, you must undergo a painful extraction together with a lancing of the gum. But don't be afraid you will be given gas3 and you won't feel anything at all."
The patient expressed much unwillingness to undergo the treatment. He said:
"You see, doctor, I'm not prepared for such a serious treatment today, I'll call on you in some days again, and then..."
But the dentist, paying no heed to his objections, administered a powerful anaesthetic. It rapidly made the man unconscious.
Then the dentist sent for the police.
The man was removed and woke up a couple of hours later to find himself securely locked' up in prison.
2011-05-15
Read these jokes
Visitor: Why is your dog watching me so closely while I eat?
Host: May be it's because you are eating out of his plate.
* * *
A woman is as old as she looks at breakfast time.
Host: May be it's because you are eating out of his plate.
* * *
A woman is as old as she looks at breakfast time.
2011-05-14
My chimney smokes sometimes too
One afternoon going to the field a farmer saw his neighbour, Thomas, who was sitting in the kitchen garden not far from his house and eating his dinner alone.
The farmer approached him and asked:
"What are you doing here? Why are you having your dinner here, alone and not at home?"
"Well," answered Thomas after a short pause, "the chimney smokes."
"That's too bad," said the farmer, "let's have a look at it, I shall help you to repair it."
And the farmer went to enter the house. But as soon as he opened the door, a broom fell on his head and a woman's voice cried.:
"Oh, you old rascal, go away, or I'll kill you...!"
The farmer left the house at once and came up to Thomas. He put his hand on his neighbour's shoulder
and said to him smiling:
"Never mind, my chimney smokes sometimes too."
The farmer approached him and asked:
"What are you doing here? Why are you having your dinner here, alone and not at home?"
"Well," answered Thomas after a short pause, "the chimney smokes."
"That's too bad," said the farmer, "let's have a look at it, I shall help you to repair it."
And the farmer went to enter the house. But as soon as he opened the door, a broom fell on his head and a woman's voice cried.:
"Oh, you old rascal, go away, or I'll kill you...!"
The farmer left the house at once and came up to Thomas. He put his hand on his neighbour's shoulder
and said to him smiling:
"Never mind, my chimney smokes sometimes too."
2011-05-13
A broken vase (an old good story)
This is an old story about a poor young man who was in love with a rich beautiful girl.
They both lived in London. The girl's house, a big comfortable house, was situated in a quiet street near an old park. The young man lived on the outskirts of the city in an old wooden hut near the docks.
One day the girl invited the young man to come to dinner on her birthday. The young man wanted to make her a present. He wanted to buy something beautiful for her, but he did not know how to do it, as he had little money.
The next morning he went to a shop. There were many fine things there: rings, watches and what not.
But all of them were very expensive. Then he saw a vase, it was so beautiful that he could not take his eyes off. That was a good present for his sweetheart, but it was also rather expensive.
As he was looking at the vase for about half an hour, the manager of the shop had noticed him. The young man looked so pale, sad and unhappy that the manager understood everything and decided to help him.
He showed the young man another vase broken into many pieces and said:
"I shall order my servant to pack it and take it to your sweetheart. When he enters the house he will fall down and drop it. The girl will think that the servant broke the vase."
On the birthday the servant came to the girl's house and fell down as soon as he entered the room full of people. There was horror on the faces of the guests, the girl began to cry. But when she unpacked the vase everybody saw that each piece was packed separately. And that, was the end of the young man's love.
They both lived in London. The girl's house, a big comfortable house, was situated in a quiet street near an old park. The young man lived on the outskirts of the city in an old wooden hut near the docks.
One day the girl invited the young man to come to dinner on her birthday. The young man wanted to make her a present. He wanted to buy something beautiful for her, but he did not know how to do it, as he had little money.
The next morning he went to a shop. There were many fine things there: rings, watches and what not.
But all of them were very expensive. Then he saw a vase, it was so beautiful that he could not take his eyes off. That was a good present for his sweetheart, but it was also rather expensive.
As he was looking at the vase for about half an hour, the manager of the shop had noticed him. The young man looked so pale, sad and unhappy that the manager understood everything and decided to help him.
He showed the young man another vase broken into many pieces and said:
"I shall order my servant to pack it and take it to your sweetheart. When he enters the house he will fall down and drop it. The girl will think that the servant broke the vase."
On the birthday the servant came to the girl's house and fell down as soon as he entered the room full of people. There was horror on the faces of the guests, the girl began to cry. But when she unpacked the vase everybody saw that each piece was packed separately. And that, was the end of the young man's love.
2011-05-11
School short stories
Teacher: If your brother has five apples and you take two from him, what will be the result?
Tom: He will beat me.
* * *
Tom: My father and I know everything in the world.
John: Then tell me, where Asia is?
Tom: Well, that is one of the questions my father knows.
Tom: He will beat me.
* * *
Tom: My father and I know everything in the world.
John: Then tell me, where Asia is?
Tom: Well, that is one of the questions my father knows.
2011-05-10
Who is the printer?
The professor was delivering the final lecture of the term.
He spoke about students' work and asked them to prepare for the final examination well.
He said:
— The examination papers are now in the hands of the printer. Are there any questions?
There was silence. But suddenly a voice from the rear inquired:
— Who is the printer?
He spoke about students' work and asked them to prepare for the final examination well.
He said:
— The examination papers are now in the hands of the printer. Are there any questions?
There was silence. But suddenly a voice from the rear inquired:
— Who is the printer?
2011-05-09
A good finder
One day two friends went for a walk. One of them had a dog.
"See here, John," one of the men said. "I am going to put this coin here in the ground. I know my dog will find it."
He put the coin in the ground on the road. Then the two friends went on.
In half an hour the man took out the coins he had in his pocket and said to his dog: "I lost a coin, Rex. Go and look for it, quick!"
The dog ran back along the road and the two friends went on.
At that time a traveller drove along the road: His horse kicked the coin from the ground and the traveller picked it up. The dog scented out the coin in the pocket of the traveller's trousers and ran after him. Soon they came to an inn.
The traveller thought: 'Poor dog. It lost its master.' As he liked the dog very much he took it to his room and gave it a good supper.
Then the traveller took off his clothes. He put on his pyjamas and his night cap and was ready to go to bed.
The dog stood at the door. The man thought: "The dog wants to go out," and he opened the door. The dog snatched the man's trousers and ran out of the room. The man ran after it with his night cap on.
The dog ran to its master's house. The man ran after it. He was very angry.
"Sir," said the dog's master, "my dog is very clever; and if he ran away with your trousers, it is because you have in them money which is not yours."
The traveller became still more angry.
"I am sorry," said the other, "but I know there is in your trousers pocket a coin which you picked up on the road. It's my coin. That's why my dog brought me your trousers."
The traveller was amused. He laughed together with the dog's master. Then he took out the coin and gave it to him.
He took his trousers and went to his inn.
"See here, John," one of the men said. "I am going to put this coin here in the ground. I know my dog will find it."
He put the coin in the ground on the road. Then the two friends went on.
In half an hour the man took out the coins he had in his pocket and said to his dog: "I lost a coin, Rex. Go and look for it, quick!"
The dog ran back along the road and the two friends went on.
At that time a traveller drove along the road: His horse kicked the coin from the ground and the traveller picked it up. The dog scented out the coin in the pocket of the traveller's trousers and ran after him. Soon they came to an inn.
The traveller thought: 'Poor dog. It lost its master.' As he liked the dog very much he took it to his room and gave it a good supper.
Then the traveller took off his clothes. He put on his pyjamas and his night cap and was ready to go to bed.
The dog stood at the door. The man thought: "The dog wants to go out," and he opened the door. The dog snatched the man's trousers and ran out of the room. The man ran after it with his night cap on.
The dog ran to its master's house. The man ran after it. He was very angry.
"Sir," said the dog's master, "my dog is very clever; and if he ran away with your trousers, it is because you have in them money which is not yours."
The traveller became still more angry.
"I am sorry," said the other, "but I know there is in your trousers pocket a coin which you picked up on the road. It's my coin. That's why my dog brought me your trousers."
The traveller was amused. He laughed together with the dog's master. Then he took out the coin and gave it to him.
He took his trousers and went to his inn.
2011-05-08
Jokes? Jokes!
A politician was staying overnight at a small country hotel.
When he came into the dining-room for breakfast in the morning, one of the guests rose from his seat.
"Sit down, sit down," said the great man.
"Why?" asked the other man. "Can't I take the salt cellar from the next table?"
* * * *
— What is experience?
— The name we give to our mistakes.
When he came into the dining-room for breakfast in the morning, one of the guests rose from his seat.
"Sit down, sit down," said the great man.
"Why?" asked the other man. "Can't I take the salt cellar from the next table?"
* * * *
— What is experience?
— The name we give to our mistakes.
2011-05-07
The Island of Iona - my dream (not a Joke)
Iona is a small island in the North Sea, not far from the coast of Scotland. The people who live there are fishermen and farmers. "Elizabeth" —that's the name of the ship which brings goods for them. Sometimes this ship brings visitors too as there is a very old Abbey on the island, which was built many centuries ago. People come to lona from different parts of the country to have a look at the Abbey.
The painters like to paint pictures on the island, because lona is so beautiful.
The best season on the island is summer — the sun shines and it is very warm. But autumn and winter are very cold there — the sea is rough, the weather is stormy, the wind blows and it often rains.
Life on the island is quite different from that in England and Scotland. There are no big houses and large stores there — only some small farms, one fishermen's village and one shop. There is only one motor-car on the whole island, but almost every familWhere has a boat. There is neither electricity nor gas on tne island— the islanders use candles or oil lamps to light their houses. There is even no running water there, so the people have to take1 water from wells.
The fishermen living on the island sell their fish in the towns and cities of Scotland.
The painters like to paint pictures on the island, because lona is so beautiful.
The best season on the island is summer — the sun shines and it is very warm. But autumn and winter are very cold there — the sea is rough, the weather is stormy, the wind blows and it often rains.
Life on the island is quite different from that in England and Scotland. There are no big houses and large stores there — only some small farms, one fishermen's village and one shop. There is only one motor-car on the whole island, but almost every familWhere has a boat. There is neither electricity nor gas on tne island— the islanders use candles or oil lamps to light their houses. There is even no running water there, so the people have to take1 water from wells.
The fishermen living on the island sell their fish in the towns and cities of Scotland.
2011-05-06
Little Joke
Mr. Brown was sitting all day long fishing from the bank of a river.
A man was sitting behind him all that time watching him.
"Why don't you try yourself to do some fishing?" asked him Mr. Brown late in the afternoon.
"I have no patience for it," answered the man.
A man was sitting behind him all that time watching him.
"Why don't you try yourself to do some fishing?" asked him Mr. Brown late in the afternoon.
"I have no patience for it," answered the man.
2011-05-05
A private swimming-pool
During the war a swimming-pool was built behind me British positions. It was reserved for officers only. An old sergeant major was to look after it.
Soon the Tommies got to know of the swimming-pool and began using it.
The colonel sent for the sergeant major and asked him:
"Do you know that the Tommies use the swimming-pool?"
"Yes sir," the sergeant major replied.
"Then, how is that? Didn't I tell you to keep the pool reserved for officers?" asked the colonel.
"Yes, sir," repeated the sergeant major.
"Then why do you let the Tommies use it?" asked the colonel angrily.
"Well, sir, it's like this, how do I know a private from an officer when they all run down naked?" — said the poor sergeant major.
Soon the Tommies got to know of the swimming-pool and began using it.
The colonel sent for the sergeant major and asked him:
"Do you know that the Tommies use the swimming-pool?"
"Yes sir," the sergeant major replied.
"Then, how is that? Didn't I tell you to keep the pool reserved for officers?" asked the colonel.
"Yes, sir," repeated the sergeant major.
"Then why do you let the Tommies use it?" asked the colonel angrily.
"Well, sir, it's like this, how do I know a private from an officer when they all run down naked?" — said the poor sergeant major.
Only a fish bone
I have a good old friend who lives in a small house on the seashore near the town and port of B.
When I get my leave I sometimes go to see him and stay with him for a few days.
We usually get up early, take his old boat and go fishing. Very often we boat far into the sea, and stay there till dinner time. My friend knows a lot of fish stories and I like to listen to them as they are very interesting.
Here is one of them.
Many years ago a young Englishman fell in love with a pretty girl and wanted to marry her. About two months before their marriage the young man who served in London was sent to New York on very important business.
He wanted to come back in two weeks and promised his sweetheart to write to her. Time passed quickly and it took him about two months to do his work.
At last he was free and was going home. Before leaving for London he bought a beautiful diamond ring for his sweetheart. On his way to London he was looking through a newspaper and saw an announcement of his sweetheart's marriage with another. He got very angry and threw the diamond ring overboard.
In some days he was having dinner at a restaurant. While he was eating fish, he bit on something hard. "What do you think it was?" asked me my friend.
"Of course, the diamond ring," I cried. "No," said he, "it was only a fish bone."
When I get my leave I sometimes go to see him and stay with him for a few days.
We usually get up early, take his old boat and go fishing. Very often we boat far into the sea, and stay there till dinner time. My friend knows a lot of fish stories and I like to listen to them as they are very interesting.
Here is one of them.
Many years ago a young Englishman fell in love with a pretty girl and wanted to marry her. About two months before their marriage the young man who served in London was sent to New York on very important business.
He wanted to come back in two weeks and promised his sweetheart to write to her. Time passed quickly and it took him about two months to do his work.
At last he was free and was going home. Before leaving for London he bought a beautiful diamond ring for his sweetheart. On his way to London he was looking through a newspaper and saw an announcement of his sweetheart's marriage with another. He got very angry and threw the diamond ring overboard.
In some days he was having dinner at a restaurant. While he was eating fish, he bit on something hard. "What do you think it was?" asked me my friend.
"Of course, the diamond ring," I cried. "No," said he, "it was only a fish bone."
2011-05-04
For whom is the half ticket?
A lady with her son and daughter came to the railway booking-office. She asked for two and a half tickets.
"For whom is the half ticket?" asked the clerk.
"For my son, of course," answered the lady.
"But he can't travel with a half ticket because he is wearing long trousers," the clerk said.
"Oh, is that how you judge?" the lady asked quietly.
"Yes, it is," the clerk answered.
The lady decided to teach him a lesson2 and said:
"Then I shall tell you, young man, that I can use the half ticket, and my daughter can travel free."
After this the clerk gave out the tickets.
"For whom is the half ticket?" asked the clerk.
"For my son, of course," answered the lady.
"But he can't travel with a half ticket because he is wearing long trousers," the clerk said.
"Oh, is that how you judge?" the lady asked quietly.
"Yes, it is," the clerk answered.
The lady decided to teach him a lesson2 and said:
"Then I shall tell you, young man, that I can use the half ticket, and my daughter can travel free."
After this the clerk gave out the tickets.
2011-05-03
Why was She angry?
A young man was in love with a beautiful girl. One day when they were walking in the park near the girl's house she said to him:
"Tomorrow is my birthday, will you come to have dinner with me?"
"Of course, I shall," said the young man, "and I'll send you red roses, one rose for each year of your life."
The same evening the young man went to a florist's. As the girl was twenty years old, he paid for twenty roses and asked the florist to send them to the girl's house the next day.
He left her address and a letter full of love.
The florist knew the young man very well because he often bought flowers in his shop.
The florist thought: "The young man is a good customer, my price for the roses was too high, I'll sent thirty roses instead of twenty." And he did so. The next morning he sent thirty red roses to the girl. In the afternoon when the young man came to see her, she did not want to speak to him.
He was very unhappy and went back home. But he never knew why she was so angry with him. Why?
"Tomorrow is my birthday, will you come to have dinner with me?"
"Of course, I shall," said the young man, "and I'll send you red roses, one rose for each year of your life."
The same evening the young man went to a florist's. As the girl was twenty years old, he paid for twenty roses and asked the florist to send them to the girl's house the next day.
He left her address and a letter full of love.
The florist knew the young man very well because he often bought flowers in his shop.
The florist thought: "The young man is a good customer, my price for the roses was too high, I'll sent thirty roses instead of twenty." And he did so. The next morning he sent thirty red roses to the girl. In the afternoon when the young man came to see her, she did not want to speak to him.
He was very unhappy and went back home. But he never knew why she was so angry with him. Why?
2011-03-14
The lady must be mentioned first
"I will not wash my face!" said little Dolly.
“Oh, you are a naughty girl" said her grandmother. When I was a little girl I always washed my face."
“Yes," said Dolly, "and now look at it!"
************************************************
A teacher asked her class:
"Is the sentence 'The ox and the cow is in the field' correct?”
Most of the children said: "Yes, it is all right"
And only one little boy said: "No, it is not correct. The lady must be mentioned first."
“Oh, you are a naughty girl" said her grandmother. When I was a little girl I always washed my face."
“Yes," said Dolly, "and now look at it!"
************************************************
A teacher asked her class:
"Is the sentence 'The ox and the cow is in the field' correct?”
Most of the children said: "Yes, it is all right"
And only one little boy said: "No, it is not correct. The lady must be mentioned first."
2011-03-13
A sailor's adventures
A sailor came to his native village from sea. His parents and neighbours gathered around him to listen to his adventures. And the sailor began to boast:
"I was in many countries and saw a lot of strange things. Once our ship got to a sea of milk, in the middle of which there was a mountain of sugar and an island of cheese. And when we were in the Pacific Ocean we saw a flying fish. These flying fishes can fly for a long time when the enemies are after them."
Then his mother said: "I can believe that there are seas of milk and islands of cheese, but I cannot believe in flying fish, son."
"I was in many countries and saw a lot of strange things. Once our ship got to a sea of milk, in the middle of which there was a mountain of sugar and an island of cheese. And when we were in the Pacific Ocean we saw a flying fish. These flying fishes can fly for a long time when the enemies are after them."
Then his mother said: "I can believe that there are seas of milk and islands of cheese, but I cannot believe in flying fish, son."
2011-03-12
Clever men - short stories
Jimmy has come from school and has brought his school report. Unfortunately it was rather a bad one and his parents were not too pleased.
"I'm losing patience with you, Jim," exclaimed his father. "How is it that young Smith, who is younger than you is always at the top of the class, while you are at the bottom?"
Jimmy glanced from his father and then back again. "You forget, dad," he answered innocently, "that Smith has awfully clever parents."
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A man said that he talked to himself for two reasons:
first, he liked to talk to a sensible man,
and second, he liked to hear a man of sense talk.
"I'm losing patience with you, Jim," exclaimed his father. "How is it that young Smith, who is younger than you is always at the top of the class, while you are at the bottom?"
Jimmy glanced from his father and then back again. "You forget, dad," he answered innocently, "that Smith has awfully clever parents."
***************************
A man said that he talked to himself for two reasons:
first, he liked to talk to a sensible man,
and second, he liked to hear a man of sense talk.
2011-03-11
The clever poor man
One day a poor man was riding a horse on his way to a small town. In the evening when he was tired and hungry he tied his horse to a tree and sat down under it to have his supper. Soon a rich man stopped
nearby and began to tie his horse to the same tree. "Don't tie your horse to that tree," said the poor man.
"My horse is wild and it may kill your horse. Better tie it to another tree,"
But the rich man answered: "I shall tie my horse where I like." So he tied up his horse to the same tree and sat down to eat. But a few minutes later they heard a terrible noise and saw that the two horses were fighting. They ran up to them but it was too late - the rich man's horse was killed.
"See what your horse has done," cried the rich man. "You'll have to pay for it," and he brought the poor man before a judge.
The judge asked the poor man: "Is it true that your horse has killed his horse?" But the poor man answered nothing. The judge asked him many other questions, but the poor man did not say a word.
At last the judge cried: "What can I do? This man cannot speak!"
"Oh," said the rich man, "he can speak as well as we can. He spoke to me when I met him."
"Are you sure?" asked the judge. "What did he say?"
"Of course, I am sure," answered the rich man. "He told me not to tie my horse to the same tree where his horse was tied. He said that his horse was wild and would kill my horse."
"Oh," said the judge, "now I see that you are not right. He told you not to tie your horse to that tree, so he must not pay for your horse."
Then he turned to the poor man and asked him why he had not answered all his questions.
The poor man said: "I didn't answer your questions as I knew you would believe a rich man sooner than a poor man. So I wanted him to tell you everything and now you see who was right and who was wrong."
nearby and began to tie his horse to the same tree. "Don't tie your horse to that tree," said the poor man.
"My horse is wild and it may kill your horse. Better tie it to another tree,"
But the rich man answered: "I shall tie my horse where I like." So he tied up his horse to the same tree and sat down to eat. But a few minutes later they heard a terrible noise and saw that the two horses were fighting. They ran up to them but it was too late - the rich man's horse was killed.
"See what your horse has done," cried the rich man. "You'll have to pay for it," and he brought the poor man before a judge.
The judge asked the poor man: "Is it true that your horse has killed his horse?" But the poor man answered nothing. The judge asked him many other questions, but the poor man did not say a word.
At last the judge cried: "What can I do? This man cannot speak!"
"Oh," said the rich man, "he can speak as well as we can. He spoke to me when I met him."
"Are you sure?" asked the judge. "What did he say?"
"Of course, I am sure," answered the rich man. "He told me not to tie my horse to the same tree where his horse was tied. He said that his horse was wild and would kill my horse."
"Oh," said the judge, "now I see that you are not right. He told you not to tie your horse to that tree, so he must not pay for your horse."
Then he turned to the poor man and asked him why he had not answered all his questions.
The poor man said: "I didn't answer your questions as I knew you would believe a rich man sooner than a poor man. So I wanted him to tell you everything and now you see who was right and who was wrong."
2011-03-10
Short Stories - One of the American Vice-Presidents said...
One of the American Vice-Presidents said:
"Once there were two brothers.
One of them ran away to sea, the other was elected Vice-President, and nothing was ever heard of either of them again."
**********************************
Mother: I sent my little boy for two pounds of plums and you gave him only a pound and a half.
Shopkeeper: My scales are all right, madam. Have you weighed your little boy?
**********************************
Teacher: "Name the only beast whom the lion is afraid of, Tom."
Tom (at once): "The lioness."
"Once there were two brothers.
One of them ran away to sea, the other was elected Vice-President, and nothing was ever heard of either of them again."
**********************************
Mother: I sent my little boy for two pounds of plums and you gave him only a pound and a half.
Shopkeeper: My scales are all right, madam. Have you weighed your little boy?
**********************************
Teacher: "Name the only beast whom the lion is afraid of, Tom."
Tom (at once): "The lioness."
2011-03-09
Why are you following me?
A nervous man who lived in one of the suburbs of London was on his way home from the railway station.
The road was dark and lonely. He heard footsteps behind him and had an uncomfortable feeling that he was being followed. He increased his speed. Tho footsteps quickened accordingly.
The man became frightened and darted down a lane. The footsteps still pursued him. In desperation he vaulted over a fence and, rushing into a churchyard threw himself panting on one of the graves.
"If he follows me here," he thought fearfully, "there can be no doubt as to his intentions."
That one behind was following, he was already scrambling over the fence. Visions of highwaymen, maniacs and the like flashed through the frightened man's brain. Quivering with fear he arose and faced his pursuer.
"What do you w-w-want?" he demanded, "wh-wh-why are you following me?"
"I say," asked the stranger, mopping his brow, "do you always go home like this? Or are you giving yourself a special treat to-night? I'm going up to Mr. Brown's, and the man at the station told me to follow you, as you lived next door. Excuse my asking you, but is there much more to do before we get there?"
The road was dark and lonely. He heard footsteps behind him and had an uncomfortable feeling that he was being followed. He increased his speed. Tho footsteps quickened accordingly.
The man became frightened and darted down a lane. The footsteps still pursued him. In desperation he vaulted over a fence and, rushing into a churchyard threw himself panting on one of the graves.
"If he follows me here," he thought fearfully, "there can be no doubt as to his intentions."
That one behind was following, he was already scrambling over the fence. Visions of highwaymen, maniacs and the like flashed through the frightened man's brain. Quivering with fear he arose and faced his pursuer.
"What do you w-w-want?" he demanded, "wh-wh-why are you following me?"
"I say," asked the stranger, mopping his brow, "do you always go home like this? Or are you giving yourself a special treat to-night? I'm going up to Mr. Brown's, and the man at the station told me to follow you, as you lived next door. Excuse my asking you, but is there much more to do before we get there?"
2011-03-08
Boy's character. Bad and lazy fellow
As you know, Balzac, the famous French writer, was a man of great talent. But he had a strange habit: he liked to tell a person's character by his or her handwriting. He was very proud of this ability and often boasted of it among his friends.
One day his woman-friend l brought him an exercise-book of a young man and said:
"My dear friend, I want to know what you think of this boy's character. Don't be afraid to tell me the truth, he is not my son."
Balzac was very glad to demonstrate his ability again and began studying the handwriting.
After some minutes of hard work he said: "All right, I’ll tell you the truth. The boy is a bad and lazy fellow."
"It is very strange," said the woman smiling. "This is a page from your own exercise-book, which you used when you were a boy."
One day his woman-friend l brought him an exercise-book of a young man and said:
"My dear friend, I want to know what you think of this boy's character. Don't be afraid to tell me the truth, he is not my son."
Balzac was very glad to demonstrate his ability again and began studying the handwriting.
After some minutes of hard work he said: "All right, I’ll tell you the truth. The boy is a bad and lazy fellow."
"It is very strange," said the woman smiling. "This is a page from your own exercise-book, which you used when you were a boy."
2011-02-28
HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY
Once a poor woodman went to the wood which was on the bank of a deep river. He was working all day long and got tired.
Suddenly his axe slipped from his hand and fell into the water.
"Oh! I have lost my axe," he cried. "I have nothing to earn my living with! What shall I do? The river is very deep and I am afraid to dive into it. Who can help me?"
Mercury heard the poor man's cries and appeared before him.
"What is the matter, poor woodman?" he asked. "Why are you so sad and unhappy?"
The woodman told him his story and Mercury promised to help him. He dived into the river and brought up a golden axe. "Is it yours?" he asked.
"No, that is not mine," answered the woodman.
Mercury dived again and this time brought up a silver axe.
"Is it yours?" he asked, and the woodman again answered "No."
So Mercury dived a third time and this time brought up the axe that had slipped from the woodman's hand. "That is my axe," cried the man. "Now I can work again."
Mercury was so pleased with the woodman's honesty that he made him a present of the other two axes and disappeared before he could even say "Thank you."
Pleased with his good luck the woodman went home. He told his friends all about it and one of them decided to trv his luck. So he went to the same place, dropped his axe into the water and cried: "Oh! I have lost my axe. I have nothing to earn my living with! What shall I do? Who can help me?"
Mercury appeared as before, and having learnt the man's story he dived irrto the river. Again» he brought up a golden axe. "Is it yours?" he asked.
"Yes, it is," said the second woodman. "You are not telling me the truth," said Mercury, "that's why you'll neither have this axe nor the one that you so foolishly dropped into the water."
Suddenly his axe slipped from his hand and fell into the water.
"Oh! I have lost my axe," he cried. "I have nothing to earn my living with! What shall I do? The river is very deep and I am afraid to dive into it. Who can help me?"
Mercury heard the poor man's cries and appeared before him.
"What is the matter, poor woodman?" he asked. "Why are you so sad and unhappy?"
The woodman told him his story and Mercury promised to help him. He dived into the river and brought up a golden axe. "Is it yours?" he asked.
"No, that is not mine," answered the woodman.
Mercury dived again and this time brought up a silver axe.
"Is it yours?" he asked, and the woodman again answered "No."
So Mercury dived a third time and this time brought up the axe that had slipped from the woodman's hand. "That is my axe," cried the man. "Now I can work again."
Mercury was so pleased with the woodman's honesty that he made him a present of the other two axes and disappeared before he could even say "Thank you."
Pleased with his good luck the woodman went home. He told his friends all about it and one of them decided to trv his luck. So he went to the same place, dropped his axe into the water and cried: "Oh! I have lost my axe. I have nothing to earn my living with! What shall I do? Who can help me?"
Mercury appeared as before, and having learnt the man's story he dived irrto the river. Again» he brought up a golden axe. "Is it yours?" he asked.
"Yes, it is," said the second woodman. "You are not telling me the truth," said Mercury, "that's why you'll neither have this axe nor the one that you so foolishly dropped into the water."
2011-02-27
2 good short funny stories - IN BUS
A very stout lady addressed a bus-inspector at a bus-stop:
"I want to report the conductor of that bus," she said, "he was rude!"
"How?" asked the bus-inspector.
"Why," continued the lady, "he was telling people: 'the bus is full up,' and when I got off he said: "room for three inside."
* * *
Little Tom, in a crowded bus, is sitting on his father's knees. An old lady enters the bus, and the boy at once jumps down, and says: "May I offer you my seat?"
"I want to report the conductor of that bus," she said, "he was rude!"
"How?" asked the bus-inspector.
"Why," continued the lady, "he was telling people: 'the bus is full up,' and when I got off he said: "room for three inside."
* * *
Little Tom, in a crowded bus, is sitting on his father's knees. An old lady enters the bus, and the boy at once jumps down, and says: "May I offer you my seat?"
2011-02-26
THE LETTERBOX KEY
Once an Englishman went to the seashore for his summer holidays. He asked his housekeeper to post him
all letters that she would receive during his absence. She promised him to do that.
The Englishman rested very well.
A month passed but he received no letters. He thought it strange and he rang up his housekeeper:
"Why didn't you post me my letters?"
"Because you didn't leave me. The key of the letterbox," was the reply.
The Englishman apologized and promised to send her the key. In some days he put the key into an envelope, wrote down his address on it and posted the letter.
Another month was passing but still he did not receive any letters.
When at the end of the month he returned home he spoke angrily with his housekeeper.
"But what could I do?" asked the poor woman. "The key which" you posted was in the locked letter-box too."
all letters that she would receive during his absence. She promised him to do that.
The Englishman rested very well.
A month passed but he received no letters. He thought it strange and he rang up his housekeeper:
"Why didn't you post me my letters?"
"Because you didn't leave me. The key of the letterbox," was the reply.
The Englishman apologized and promised to send her the key. In some days he put the key into an envelope, wrote down his address on it and posted the letter.
Another month was passing but still he did not receive any letters.
When at the end of the month he returned home he spoke angrily with his housekeeper.
"But what could I do?" asked the poor woman. "The key which" you posted was in the locked letter-box too."
2011-02-25
One American staying in London Zoo
One American staying in London took his children to the Zoo.
The children liked the Zoo very much. So approaching one of the keepers, the Yankee said: "Say, man, take me along to l your boss. I want to talk business with him."
The keeper asked suspiciously: "What business do you want to discuss?"
"Well," explained the American, "I've taken fancy to this little exhibit, and I want to buy your Zoo for my kids."
"Nothing doing," answered the keeper, "but I'll tell you that we might buy your kids for our Zoo."
The children liked the Zoo very much. So approaching one of the keepers, the Yankee said: "Say, man, take me along to l your boss. I want to talk business with him."
The keeper asked suspiciously: "What business do you want to discuss?"
"Well," explained the American, "I've taken fancy to this little exhibit, and I want to buy your Zoo for my kids."
"Nothing doing," answered the keeper, "but I'll tell you that we might buy your kids for our Zoo."
2011-02-24
ECONOMY WASTED
A tourist was staying in Norway for a couple of weeks and spent all his money. He could only pay his passage back to England.
He thought: "It is only a two days' journey, and I can go to England without food."
So he went on board a ship and bought a ticket. He closed his ears to the sound of the lunch bell and when dinner time came he did not go to the saloon: "I do not feel well," he said.
The next morning he did not have breakfast pretending to oversleep himself, and at lunch time he again stayed in his cabin. At dinner time he was so hungry that he said:
"I'm going to eat even if they throw me overboard afterwards."
At dinner table he ate everything put in front of him. Then he asked for the bill and waited for the coming row.
"The bill, sir?" asked the steward.
"Yes," answered the tourist.
"There isn't any bill," was the answer. "On this ship meals are included in the passage money."
He thought: "It is only a two days' journey, and I can go to England without food."
So he went on board a ship and bought a ticket. He closed his ears to the sound of the lunch bell and when dinner time came he did not go to the saloon: "I do not feel well," he said.
The next morning he did not have breakfast pretending to oversleep himself, and at lunch time he again stayed in his cabin. At dinner time he was so hungry that he said:
"I'm going to eat even if they throw me overboard afterwards."
At dinner table he ate everything put in front of him. Then he asked for the bill and waited for the coming row.
"The bill, sir?" asked the steward.
"Yes," answered the tourist.
"There isn't any bill," was the answer. "On this ship meals are included in the passage money."
2011-02-23
Good short funny stories
Over the doctor's telephone came a call from one man.
The man said: "My little son swallowed my fountain-pen."
The doctor said: "I come at once. And what are you doing in the meantime?"
"I'm using my pencil," the man answered.
# # #
They bought their son a bicycle and were watching proudly as he rode around and around the block. On his first round he shouted: "Look, Mom, no hands!"
The second time around; "Look, Mom, no feet!"
At the third time: "Look, Mom, no teeth!"
The man said: "My little son swallowed my fountain-pen."
The doctor said: "I come at once. And what are you doing in the meantime?"
"I'm using my pencil," the man answered.
# # #
They bought their son a bicycle and were watching proudly as he rode around and around the block. On his first round he shouted: "Look, Mom, no hands!"
The second time around; "Look, Mom, no feet!"
At the third time: "Look, Mom, no teeth!"
2011-02-22
An Irishman in India
An Irishman was once serving in a regiment in India. He did not like the climate there and decided to think out a trick by which he could get home.
He went to the doctor and said to him: "My eyesight is very bad, can you help me?"
The doctor looked at him for a while and then asked: "How can you prove to me that your eyesight is bad?"
The Irishman looked about the room and at last said: "Well, doctor, can you see that nail upon the wall?"
"Yes," replied the doctor.
"Well then," said the Irishman, "and I can't!"
He went to the doctor and said to him: "My eyesight is very bad, can you help me?"
The doctor looked at him for a while and then asked: "How can you prove to me that your eyesight is bad?"
The Irishman looked about the room and at last said: "Well, doctor, can you see that nail upon the wall?"
"Yes," replied the doctor.
"Well then," said the Irishman, "and I can't!"
2011-02-21
HE KNEW THE NAME
The name of Enrico Caruso, the famous Italian singer, is well known all over the world. He sang almost in all countries of Europe. He sang in Russia, in France, in Germany, in Spain and in many other countries. Feople liked his singing and the concert-halls where he sang were always full.
Though Caruso was very famous he often said:
"No man is so well known as he thinks he is."
One day, when he came to the United States to give some concerts, he was driving to New York. His car broke down just when he was passing a farm. Caruso did not know how to repair the car, so he asked the farmer to do it. The farmer agreed.
While the farmer was repairing the car, Caruso entered the farmer's house to rest there. Soon the farmer finished his work and entered the house too.
"Your car is ready, sir," he said, "now you can drive oh."
Caruso paid the farmer for his work and presented him his photograph with his name on it. The farmer read the name on the photograph and cried out:
"Oh, what a luck! You are Robinson Cruso! I've never dreamed to receive the greatest traveller in the world in my poor house!"
Though Caruso was very famous he often said:
"No man is so well known as he thinks he is."
One day, when he came to the United States to give some concerts, he was driving to New York. His car broke down just when he was passing a farm. Caruso did not know how to repair the car, so he asked the farmer to do it. The farmer agreed.
While the farmer was repairing the car, Caruso entered the farmer's house to rest there. Soon the farmer finished his work and entered the house too.
"Your car is ready, sir," he said, "now you can drive oh."
Caruso paid the farmer for his work and presented him his photograph with his name on it. The farmer read the name on the photograph and cried out:
"Oh, what a luck! You are Robinson Cruso! I've never dreamed to receive the greatest traveller in the world in my poor house!"
2011-02-20
At French restaurant - short funny story
Once a young Englishman invited his girl to a French restaurant The menu was written in Frencn, and he did not know that language.
As he did not want to look ignorant before the girl, he pointed to some lines in the menu and said to the waiter:
"I think, we shall have some of that."
The waiter looked where the man was pointing and said
"I'm sorry, sir, but that's what the band is playing."
As he did not want to look ignorant before the girl, he pointed to some lines in the menu and said to the waiter:
"I think, we shall have some of that."
The waiter looked where the man was pointing and said
"I'm sorry, sir, but that's what the band is playing."
2011-02-19
AN EXPENSIVE BREAKFAST
It happened many years ago, when there were still kings in some countries of Europe.
Once a king of a small country was travelling through Holland. He stopped at an inn in a little village to have breakfast. He ordered some boiled eggs, coffee, bread and butter for breakfast.
The king ate two eggs with bread and butter, took a cup of coffee and asked the innkeeper: "How much must I pay for my breakfast?"
The innkeeper answered: "A hundred florins."
The king was very much surprised and said:
"What? A hundred florins for a little bread and butter, a cup of coffee and two eggs? It is very expensive! Eggs must be very scarce in your village."
"Oh, no, sir," answered the innkeeper, "there are many eggs in our village, but kings are very scarce nowadays."
Once a king of a small country was travelling through Holland. He stopped at an inn in a little village to have breakfast. He ordered some boiled eggs, coffee, bread and butter for breakfast.
The king ate two eggs with bread and butter, took a cup of coffee and asked the innkeeper: "How much must I pay for my breakfast?"
The innkeeper answered: "A hundred florins."
The king was very much surprised and said:
"What? A hundred florins for a little bread and butter, a cup of coffee and two eggs? It is very expensive! Eggs must be very scarce in your village."
"Oh, no, sir," answered the innkeeper, "there are many eggs in our village, but kings are very scarce nowadays."
2011-02-18
Having breakfast - short funny story
Once a man was having breakfast at a small restaurant. The waiter served him a cup of coffee without a spoon. The man noticed that and said:
"This coffee is rather hot, I cannot stir it with a finger."
The waiter left the room and in some minutes came back with another cup of coffee.
"May be this coffee is not so hot, sir," he said.
"This coffee is rather hot, I cannot stir it with a finger."
The waiter left the room and in some minutes came back with another cup of coffee.
"May be this coffee is not so hot, sir," he said.
2011-02-09
It isn’t the first time...
Kate’s father was going along the corridor. When he was passing by the bathroom he heard that his daughter was speaking in a kind voice to somebody. The father was surprised and looked in. He saw his daughter holding a cat in her arms and cleaning its teeth with his tooth-brush. Kate didn’t see her father and continued her work.
Kate’s father called his wife and asked her to see what the matter was. Kate’s mother came up and let the cat go. But the little girl said:
“Why? I’m sure, Daddy, needn’t make such a fuss about it, because it isn’t the first time I cleaned the cat’s teeth with that tooth-brush”.
2011-02-03
A way out
A French student decided to go to London
Once he spent a morning in the British Museum and felt tired and hungry. He decided to have a cup of tea and some eggs in the nearest restaurant. He went in and sat down at a table. The waitress came up to him and asked him what he wanted.
The student could not order what he wanted because he did not know the English word for eggs. Whay to do? He looked around him, but nobody was eating eggs.
Then he noticed a French illustrated magazine on the neighbouring table. There was a picture of a cock on its cover. He showed the priture to the waitress.
"How do you call this?" he asked.
"A rooster, sir", answered the waitress.
"And what do you call a rooster's wife?" was the next question.
"A hen, sir".
"And what do you call a hen's children?"
"Chickens, sir".
"And what do you call chickens before they are born?"
"Eggs, sir".
"Very well. Now bring me three eggs and a cup of tea, please," said the student.
Once he spent a morning in the British Museum and felt tired and hungry. He decided to have a cup of tea and some eggs in the nearest restaurant. He went in and sat down at a table. The waitress came up to him and asked him what he wanted.
The student could not order what he wanted because he did not know the English word for eggs. Whay to do? He looked around him, but nobody was eating eggs.
Then he noticed a French illustrated magazine on the neighbouring table. There was a picture of a cock on its cover. He showed the priture to the waitress.
"How do you call this?" he asked.
"A rooster, sir", answered the waitress.
"And what do you call a rooster's wife?" was the next question.
"A hen, sir".
"And what do you call a hen's children?"
"Chickens, sir".
"And what do you call chickens before they are born?"
"Eggs, sir".
"Very well. Now bring me three eggs and a cup of tea, please," said the student.
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