The lady must be mentioned first

"I will not wash my face!" said little Dolly.
“Oh, you are a naughty girl" said her grandmother. When I was a little girl I always washed my face."
“Yes," said Dolly, "and now look at it!"

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A teacher asked her class:
"Is the sentence 'The ox and the cow is in the field' correct?”
Most of the children said: "Yes, it is all right"
And only one little boy said: "No, it is not correct. The lady must be mentioned first."

A sailor's adventures

A sailor came to his native village from sea. His parents and neighbours gathered around him to listen to his adventures. And the sailor began to boast:

"I was in many countries and saw a lot of strange things. Once our ship got to a sea of milk, in the middle of which there was a mountain of sugar and an island of cheese. And when we were in the Pacific Ocean we saw a flying fish. These flying fishes can fly for a long time when the enemies are after them."

Then his mother said: "I can believe that there are seas of milk and islands of cheese, but I cannot believe in flying fish, son."

Clever men - short stories

Jimmy has come from school and has brought his school report. Unfortunately it was rather a bad one and his parents were not too pleased.

"I'm losing patience with you, Jim," exclaimed his father. "How is it that young Smith, who is younger than you is always at the top of the class, while you are at the bottom?"

Jimmy glanced from his father and then back again. "You forget, dad," he answered innocently, "that Smith has awfully clever parents."

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A man said that he talked to himself for two reasons:
first, he liked to talk to a sensible man,
and second, he liked to hear a man of sense talk.

The clever poor man

One day a poor man was riding a horse on his way to a small town. In the evening when he was tired and hungry he tied his horse to a tree and sat down under it to have his supper. Soon a rich man stopped
nearby and began to tie his horse to the same tree. "Don't tie your horse to that tree," said the poor man.
"My horse is wild and it may kill your horse. Better tie it to another tree,"

But the rich man answered: "I shall tie my horse where I like." So he tied up his horse to the same tree and sat down to eat. But a few minutes later they heard a terrible noise and saw that the two horses were fighting. They ran up to them but it was too late - the rich man's horse was killed.

"See what your horse has done," cried the rich man. "You'll have to pay for it," and he brought the poor man before a judge.

The judge asked the poor man: "Is it true that your horse has killed his horse?" But the poor man answered nothing. The judge asked him many other questions, but the poor man did not say a word.

At last the judge cried: "What can I do? This man cannot speak!"
"Oh," said the rich man, "he can speak as well as we can. He spoke to me when I met him."

"Are you sure?" asked the judge. "What did he say?"
"Of course, I am sure," answered the rich man. "He told me not to tie my horse to the same tree where his horse was tied. He said that his horse was wild and would kill my horse."
"Oh," said the judge, "now I see that you are not right. He told you not to tie your horse to that tree, so he must not pay for your horse."

Then he turned to the poor man and asked him why he had not answered all his questions.
The poor man said: "I didn't answer your questions as I knew you would believe a rich man sooner than a poor man. So I wanted him to tell you everything and now you see who was right and who was wrong."

Short Stories - One of the American Vice-Presidents said...

One of the American Vice-Presidents said:
"Once there were two brothers.
One of them ran away to sea, the other was elected Vice-President, and nothing was ever heard of either of them again."

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Mother: I sent my little boy for two pounds of plums and you gave him only a pound and a half.
Shopkeeper: My scales are all right, madam. Have you weighed your little boy?

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Teacher: "Name the only beast whom the lion is afraid of, Tom."
Tom (at once): "The lioness."

Why are you following me?

A nervous man who lived in one of the suburbs of London was on his way home from the railway station.
The road was dark and lonely. He heard footsteps behind him and had an uncomfortable feeling that he was being followed. He increased his speed. Tho footsteps quickened accordingly.

The man became frightened and darted down a lane. The footsteps still pursued him. In desperation he vaulted over a fence and, rushing into a churchyard threw himself panting on one of the graves.

"If he follows me here," he thought fearfully, "there can be no doubt as to his intentions."
That one behind was following, he was already scrambling over the fence. Visions of highwaymen, maniacs and the like flashed through the frightened man's brain. Quivering with fear he arose and faced his pursuer.

"What do you w-w-want?" he demanded, "wh-wh-why are you following me?"

"I say," asked the stranger, mopping his brow, "do you always go home like this? Or are you giving yourself a special treat to-night? I'm going up to Mr. Brown's, and the man at the station told me to follow you, as you lived next door. Excuse my asking you, but is there much more to do before we get there?"

Boy's character. Bad and lazy fellow

As you know, Balzac, the famous French writer, was a man of great talent. But he had a strange habit: he liked to tell a person's character by his or her handwriting. He was very proud of this ability and often boasted of it among his friends.

One day his woman-friend l brought him an exercise-book of a young man and said:
"My dear friend, I want to know what you think of this boy's character. Don't be afraid to tell me the truth, he is not my son."

Balzac was very glad to demonstrate his ability again and began studying the handwriting.
After some minutes of hard work he said: "All right, I’ll tell you the truth. The boy is a bad and lazy fellow."

"It is very strange," said the woman smiling. "This is a page from your own exercise-book, which you used when you were a boy."