2011-05-31

The unhappy man

A London newspaper published a case of suicide, in which the reasons that moved the unhappy man to lay violent hands upon himself were found in the shape of a letter in his left boot. In this letter he wrote:

"I married a widow who had a grown-up daughter.
My father visited us frequently, fell in love with my stepdaughter, and married her.
Thus my own father became my son-in-law, and my step-daughter, being the wife of my father, became my mother.
After some time my wife presented me with a son,— of course he was my father's brother-in-law and my uncle, for he was the brother of my step-mother.
My father-wife, that is my step-daughter, had also a son,— of course he was my brother, but at the same time he was also my grandson, for he was the son of my daughter. My wife was also my grandmother, being the mother of my mother.
I was the husband of my wife, but at the same time also her grandson, and since the husband of my grandmother is naturally also my grandfather, I am my own grandfather! ... I should like to see the man who could bear all this,"

2011-05-30

Two jokes

John became a policeman. His lieutenant said to him on the first day: "John, I shall give you an easy beat to start with,1 just from the station house to that red light and back."
John disappeared for two days.

"Where the devil were you?" shouted the lieutenant when John came back. "Didn't I tell you your beat was just from here to that red light?"
"You did," answered John, "but that red light was on the back of the car."

* * *

He: May I kiss your hand?
She: Why? Is anything wrong' with my lips?

2011-05-29

The Policeman and the Thief

In a small town, a man stole some money from a house. The police began to look for the thief. In two days they found him. They brought him to the police station and found some of the money in his coat.
There was a new policeman at the police station, and they wanted to give him some work.
"Take this thief to the city," said one of them. "You must go there by train and it goes very soon. Don't be late."
The policeman and the thief went to the station. On their way they came to a shop where bread was sold.
"We have-no food, and we must eat something in the train," said the thief. "It's a long way to the city and it will take us much time to get there. I'll go into this shop and buy some bread. Then you and I can eat it in the train. Wait here for me."

The policeman was glad. "I'll have some food in the train," he thought. "Be quick," he said to the thief. "We haven't much time."

The thief went into the shop, and the policeman waited in the street for a long time. He began to worry. He thought about the train, and at last he went into the shop.
"Where's that man who came in here to buy some bread?" asked the policeman.
"Oh, he went out by the back door," said the shopkeeper.

The policeman ran out but he could not see the thief. So he had to go back to the police station and tell the others about it. They were very angry with him, and he was very unhappy.
All the police of the town began to look for the thief again, and they soon caught him. They brought him back to the police station and called the same policeman.
"Now," said one of them, "take him to the city, and don't lose him again."

The policeman and the thief went to the station, and they came to the same shop.
"Wait here," said the thief. "I want to go into that shop and buy some bread."
"Oh, no," said the policeman. "You did that once, and you ran away. This time, I'll go into the shop and buy the bread, and you must wait here for me."

2011-05-28

Did your father punish you?

Teacher: Did your father punish you when you came home last night?
Sandy: Yes, sir.
Teacher: How did he do it?
Sandy: He made me stay in the room where my sister was doing her singing practice.

* * *

Little Jim was the center of an admiring group of men and women for he had gone over a thin ice and saved his friend. "You have risked your life foor your friend!" they said.
"I had to," answered Jim. "He had my new skates on."

* * *

I could never get my 12-years old daughter to read the book "Alice in Wonder Land1" until the BBC declared it unsuitable for children.

2011-05-27

A modest maid

One day Mrs. Smith's servant girl, Ellen by name, was sent down town l shopping.
It was getting late at night when she returned from the shops with various domestic purchases.

As she explained the transaction to her mistress she cried out suddenly, "There! If I haven't forgotten the ham and eggs for breakfast."
"That's a pity," observed the mistress. But then she added with kindly philosophy: "Never mind. The shops will all be shut now. We shall have to get along3 in the morning with bread and butter and marmalade."

The maid started. "And what shall I have?" she inquired.
"Well, Ellen, I suppose you'll have the same as we do," replied the mistress.
"Yes, Mrs. Smith," responded Ellen with some severity, "but let me tell you I can't do my work unless I'm properly fed."

2011-05-26

Three good short jokes

Once a motor-car ran down a man.
Its driver said to the man: "It's not my fault, I'm a very careful driver, I have been driving a car for five years."
"Oh, you've got nothing on me," said the man, "I've been walking for 55 years."

* * *

Teacher: Tell me, please, how old is a person born in 1920?
Student: Please, sir, lady or gentleman?

* * *

— Why did you divorce your wife?
— Because her parrot was saying all the time: "Kiss me, Harry!"
— That is not a reason for a divorce
— Maybe, but my name is Sam.

2011-05-25

Smart guy in jeweller's shop

One morning a well-dressed gentleman of aristocratic bearing accompanied by his man-servant entered a jeweller's shop in Bond Street in London.

The gentleman wore his right arm in a sling. He began to examine the rings and when, he had selected a couple of rings to the value of one thousand pounds, he put his hand into his breast pocket, as he wished to pay for the rings at once.
"Oh, hang it! I must have left my wallet at home. Here, Daniel," he said to his servant, "take the car, drive back to my wife and ask her to give you the money. Oh, Mr. ... just oblige me with a sheet of notepaper to write a few lines, please."

The jeweller at once complied with the request, and the gentleman tried to write, but found it difficult, as his hand was bandaged and quite painful.
"No, I cannot manage it. Would you please write it for me?"

So the jeweller took the pen and paper and at the dictation of the gentleman wrote:
"Kindly send me a thousand pounds via bearer — Theophilus."
"What a strange ccvncidence," observed the jeweller. "My name is Theophilus, too."
"Ah, I am glad to hear it," replied the gentleman while his man took the note and left by the swanky car outside the door.

The jeweller and the gentleman waited for a very long time, until the latter began to yawn and show signs of impatience, and after a further wait he said:
"I must go home and see what has caused the delay. Keep the rings for time being, and tomorrow I shall call for them and take them away."

When the jeweller arrived home in the evening he told his wife that he did a fair stroke of business with a strange gentleman.
"Indeed?" his wife replied. "But why then did you send home for a thousand pounds?"
"What? I ... didn't ..."
"What on earth's the matter with you?" interrupted his wife. "That's your handwriting, isn't it? And that's your notepaper, isn't it?"
The jeweller fainted.

2011-05-24

There is nothing like honesty

A man and a boy were walking along a quiet street when the man bent down and picked up a glove lying on the pavement.
"There is nothing like honesty, my boy," he said, as he placed the glove behind some railings.

A hundred yards farther on they saw another glove.
"Goodness me!" ejaculated the man, as he picked it up and tried it on, "if this isn't the neighbour to the first one —and just my size. Go back, Jimmy, and fetch the other."

2011-05-23

Languages - not only with the help of words

When we want to tell other people what we think, we can do it not only with the help of words, but also in many other ways. For instance, we sometimes move our heads up and down when we want to say "yes," and we move our heads from side to side when we want to say "no."

People who can neither hear nor speak (that is, deaf and dumb people) talk to each other with the help of their fingers. People who do not understand each other's language have to do the same. The following story shows how they sometimes do it.

An Englishman who could not speak Italian was once travelling in Italy. One day he entered a restaurant and sat down at a table. When the waiter came, the Englishman opened his mouth, put his fingers in it, took them out again and moved his lips. In this way he meant to say, "Bring me something to eat."

The waiter soon brought him a cup of tea. The Englishman shook his head, and the waiter understood that he didn't want tea, so he took it away and brought him some coffee.
The Englishman, who was very hungry by this time and not at all thirsty, looked very sad. He shook his head each time the waiter brought him something to drink. He brought him wine, then beer, then soda-water, but that wasn't food, of course.
He was just going to leave the restaurant when another traveller came in. When this man saw the waiter, he put his hands on his stomach. That was enough: in a few minutes there was a large plate of macaroni and meat on the table before him.
As you see, the primitive language of signs is not always very clear. The language of words is much more exact.

2011-05-22

This letter is not for you

Mr. Brown went to London on a business trip. He stopped at a small hotel. As he was very tired he went to his room and soon was sound asleep. Suddenly he heard some loud knocks on his door and nervously sat up in bed.
"What is the matter?" he asked.
"A letter downstairs for you, sir."
"Well, it can wait till morning, I think."

The boy went down the corridor, and after a long time the guest fell asleep again. But then another knock came at the door.
"What's up now?" cried Mr. Brown.
"It's not for you, that letter," was the reply.

2011-05-21

At a border station

One man was going to France on a business trip. He went to the booking-office to book a seat for the train to Paris. There were trains daily and the man booked a seat for the morning train.

The next morning the man arrived at the station and got into a train. Soon the train started off. It ran to the schedule and some hours later stopped at a French border station.
The man together with the other passengers, who were going abroad, went out as he had to register his ticket and passport. Then he filled in a declaration and gave it to the customs official.

Some minutes later the customs official allowed the passengers to take their seats in the train and said that he would inspect their luggage.

The man went into his compartment, opened his suitcases, took many boxes of cigarettes out of them and wanted to put all of them into his pockets. But there were too many boxes. When all his pockets were full of cigarette boxes, he turned to another passenger, who was sitting at the window in the same compartment.

"Will you please take some of these boxes and put them into your pockets?" he asked.
"Why don't you leave them in your suit-cases?"
"Because I don't want to pay duty on them."
"All right," said the passenger at the window, "give them to me. But I must tell you that I shall not return them to you."
"Why?"
"Because I am a French customs official."

2011-05-20

Say - I am paid — and it will help you

Once a young Frenchman came to the doctor.
"Oh," said he, "I have a terrible headache, help me, please."

The doctor decided to try a new method and said to the patient:
"Repeat three times the sentence —I am well."

The patient did it and felt much better. He told the doctor about it. .
"500 euros," said the doctor, satisfied with the results.

"Repeat three times the sentence —I am paid — and it will help you," said the patient.

2011-05-19

Mistakes will happen

A big Irishman strolled into the Civil Service room where physical examinations for candidates for the police force were held.
"Strip," ordered the police surgeon.
"What, sir?"
"Get your clothes off, and be quick about it," said the doctor.

The Irishman undressed. The doctor measured his chest and sounded his back.
"Jump over this rod," was the doctor's next command.

The man did his best, landing on his back.
"Double up your knees and touch the floor with your hands."

The Irishman lost his balance and fell sprawling upon the floor. He was indignant but silent.
"Now jump under this cold shower," commanded the doctor.
"That's funny," muttered the applicant.
"Now run around the room ten times. I want to test your heart and wind."

This last order was too much. "I'll not," the Irishman declared defiantly. "I'll stay single."
"Single?" inquired the doctor puzzled.
"Single," repeated the Irishman with determination. "What's all this funny business got to do with a marriage license anyhow?"
"Oh," cried out the doctor laughing, "poor fellow, you have strayed into the wrong bureau!"

2011-05-18

How many ribs has a man?

Teacher: Now, tell me, Ann, how many ribs has a man?
Ann: I'm sorry, ask somebody else, I can't count them to the end.
Teacher: But why? Have you any valid reason?
Ann: Oh, yes, I'm ticklish.

2011-05-17

It's no joke starting to smoke at my time of life

"Medicine won't help you at all", the doctor told his patient.
"What you need is a complete change of living. Get away to some quiet country place for a month. Go to bed early, eat more roast beef, drink plenty of good rich milk, and smoke just one cigar a day."

A month later the patient walked into the doctor's office. He looked like a new man, and the doctor told him so.
"Yes, doctor, your advice certainly did the business. I went to bed early, ate more roast beef and did all the other things you had told me. But, doctor, that one cigar a day almost killed me at first. It's no joke starting to smoke at my time of life."

2011-05-16

A dentist and his patient

One bright summer morning a well-dressed young man, who looked like a gentleman, called to see a well-known dentist in Picadilly street in London.
He was shown into the waiting-room and told that the dentist would be ready to see him in the dentistry in a few minutes.

The dentist was attending to another case at that time but he happened to glance through the door which was only partially shut. He saw a man removing various silver ornaments, which were scattered about the room, and putting them into his pockets.
The man was about to leave the house, when the dentist requested him to come into his dentistry and to be seated.

The dentist began examining the man's teeth. On finishing the examination the dentist said:
"If you want to escape serious consequences, you must undergo a painful extraction together with a lancing of the gum. But don't be afraid you will be given gas3 and you won't feel anything at all."

The patient expressed much unwillingness to undergo the treatment. He said:
"You see, doctor, I'm not prepared for such a serious treatment today, I'll call on you in some days again, and then..."

But the dentist, paying no heed to his objections, administered a powerful anaesthetic. It rapidly made the man unconscious.
Then the dentist sent for the police.
The man was removed and woke up a couple of hours later to find himself securely locked' up in prison.

2011-05-15

Read these jokes

Visitor: Why is your dog watching me so closely while I eat?
Host: May be it's because you are eating out of his plate.

* * *

A woman is as old as she looks at breakfast time.

2011-05-14

My chimney smokes sometimes too

One afternoon going to the field a farmer saw his neighbour, Thomas, who was sitting in the kitchen garden not far from his house and eating his dinner alone.

The farmer approached him and asked:
"What are you doing here? Why are you having your dinner here, alone and not at home?"
"Well," answered Thomas after a short pause, "the chimney smokes."
"That's too bad," said the farmer, "let's have a look at it, I shall help you to repair it."

And the farmer went to enter the house. But as soon as he opened the door, a broom fell on his head and a woman's voice cried.:
"Oh, you old rascal, go away, or I'll kill you...!"

The farmer left the house at once and came up to Thomas. He put his hand on his neighbour's shoulder
and said to him smiling:
"Never mind, my chimney smokes sometimes too."

2011-05-13

A broken vase (an old good story)

This is an old story about a poor young man who was in love with a rich beautiful girl.

They both lived in London. The girl's house, a big comfortable house, was situated in a quiet street near an old park. The young man lived on the outskirts of the city in an old wooden hut near the docks.
One day the girl invited the young man to come to dinner on her birthday. The young man wanted to make her a present. He wanted to buy something beautiful for her, but he did not know how to do it, as he had little money.

The next morning he went to a shop. There were many fine things there: rings, watches and what not.
But all of them were very expensive. Then he saw a vase, it was so beautiful that he could not take his eyes off. That was a good present for his sweetheart, but it was also rather expensive.

As he was looking at the vase for about half an hour, the manager of the shop had noticed him. The young man looked so pale, sad and unhappy that the manager understood everything and decided to help him.

He showed the young man another vase broken into many pieces and said:
"I shall order my servant to pack it and take it to your sweetheart. When he enters the house he will fall down and drop it. The girl will think that the servant broke the vase."

On the birthday the servant came to the girl's house and fell down as soon as he entered the room full of people. There was horror on the faces of the guests, the girl began to cry. But when she unpacked the vase everybody saw that each piece was packed separately. And that, was the end of the young man's love.

2011-05-11

School short stories

Teacher: If your brother has five apples and you take two from him, what will be the result?
Tom: He will beat me.

* * *

Tom: My father and I know everything in the world.
John: Then tell me, where Asia is?
Tom: Well, that is one of the questions my father knows.

2011-05-10

Who is the printer?

The professor was delivering the final lecture of the term.
He spoke about students' work and asked them to prepare for the final examination well.

He said:
— The examination papers are now in the hands of the printer. Are there any questions?

There was silence. But suddenly a voice from the rear inquired:
— Who is the printer?

2011-05-09

A good finder

One day two friends went for a walk. One of them had a dog.
"See here, John," one of the men said. "I am going to put this coin here in the ground. I know my dog will find it."

He put the coin in the ground on the road. Then the two friends went on.
In half an hour the man took out the coins he had in his pocket and said to his dog: "I lost a coin, Rex. Go and look for it, quick!"
The dog ran back along the road and the two friends went on.

At that time a traveller drove along the road: His horse kicked the coin from the ground and the traveller picked it up. The dog scented out the coin in the pocket of the traveller's trousers and ran after him. Soon they came to an inn.
The traveller thought: 'Poor dog. It lost its master.' As he liked the dog very much he took it to his room and gave it a good supper.

Then the traveller took off his clothes. He put on his pyjamas and his night cap and was ready to go to bed.
The dog stood at the door. The man thought: "The dog wants to go out," and he opened the door. The dog snatched the man's trousers and ran out of the room. The man ran after it with his night cap on.

The dog ran to its master's house. The man ran after it. He was very angry.
"Sir," said the dog's master, "my dog is very clever; and if he ran away with your trousers, it is because you have in them money which is not yours."

The traveller became still more angry.
"I am sorry," said the other, "but I know there is in your trousers pocket a coin which you picked up on the road. It's my coin. That's why my dog brought me your trousers."

The traveller was amused. He laughed together with the dog's master. Then he took out the coin and gave it to him.
He took his trousers and went to his inn.

2011-05-08

Jokes? Jokes!

A politician was staying overnight at a small country hotel.
When he came into the dining-room for breakfast in the morning, one of the guests rose from his seat.
"Sit down, sit down," said the great man.
"Why?" asked the other man. "Can't I take the salt cellar from the next table?"

* * * *

— What is experience?
— The name we give to our mistakes.

2011-05-07

The Island of Iona - my dream (not a Joke)

Iona is a small island in the North Sea, not far from the coast of Scotland. The people who live there are fishermen and farmers. "Elizabeth" —that's the name of the ship which brings goods for them. Sometimes this ship brings visitors too as there is a very old Abbey on the island, which was built many centuries ago. People come to lona from different parts of the country to have a look at the Abbey.
The painters like to paint pictures on the island, because lona is so beautiful.

The best season on the island is summer — the sun shines and it is very warm. But autumn and winter are very cold there — the sea is rough, the weather is stormy, the wind blows and it often rains.

Life on the island is quite different from that in England and Scotland. There are no big houses and large stores there — only some small farms, one fishermen's village and one shop. There is only one motor-car on the whole island, but almost every familWhere has a boat. There is neither electricity nor gas on tne island— the islanders use candles or oil lamps to light their houses. There is even no running water there, so the people have to take1 water from wells.
The fishermen living on the island sell their fish in the towns and cities of Scotland.

2011-05-06

Little Joke

Mr. Brown was sitting all day long fishing from the bank of a river.
A man was sitting behind him all that time watching him.
"Why don't you try yourself to do some fishing?" asked him Mr. Brown late in the afternoon.
"I have no patience for it," answered the man.

2011-05-05

A private swimming-pool

During the war a swimming-pool was built behind me British positions. It was reserved for officers only. An old sergeant major was to look after it.
Soon the Tommies got to know of the swimming-pool and began using it.

The colonel sent for the sergeant major and asked him:
"Do you know that the Tommies use the swimming-pool?"
"Yes sir," the sergeant major replied.
"Then, how is that? Didn't I tell you to keep the pool reserved for officers?" asked the colonel.
"Yes, sir," repeated the sergeant major.
"Then why do you let the Tommies use it?" asked the colonel angrily.
"Well, sir, it's like this, how do I know a private from an officer when they all run down naked?" — said the poor sergeant major.

Only a fish bone

I have a good old friend who lives in a small house on the seashore near the town and port of B.
When I get my leave I sometimes go to see him and stay with him for a few days.
We usually get up early, take his old boat and go fishing. Very often we boat far into the sea, and stay there till dinner time. My friend knows a lot of fish stories and I like to listen to them as they are very interesting.
Here is one of them.

Many years ago a young Englishman fell in love with a pretty girl and wanted to marry her. About two months before their marriage the young man who served in London was sent to New York on very important business.
He wanted to come back in two weeks and promised his sweetheart to write to her. Time passed quickly and it took him about two months to do his work.

At last he was free and was going home. Before leaving for London he bought a beautiful diamond ring for his sweetheart. On his way to London he was looking through a newspaper and saw an announcement of his sweetheart's marriage with another. He got very angry and threw the diamond ring overboard.

In some days he was having dinner at a restaurant. While he was eating fish, he bit on something hard. "What do you think it was?" asked me my friend.
"Of course, the diamond ring," I cried. "No," said he, "it was only a fish bone."

2011-05-04

For whom is the half ticket?

A lady with her son and daughter came to the railway booking-office. She asked for two and a half tickets.

"For whom is the half ticket?" asked the clerk.
"For my son, of course," answered the lady.
"But he can't travel with a half ticket because he is wearing long trousers," the clerk said.
"Oh, is that how you judge?" the lady asked quietly.
"Yes, it is," the clerk answered.

The lady decided to teach him a lesson2 and said:
"Then I shall tell you, young man, that I can use the half ticket, and my daughter can travel free."
After this the clerk gave out the tickets.

2011-05-03

Why was She angry?

A young man was in love with a beautiful girl. One day when they were walking in the park near the girl's house she said to him:
"Tomorrow is my birthday, will you come to have dinner with me?"
"Of course, I shall," said the young man, "and I'll send you red roses, one rose for each year of your life."

The same evening the young man went to a florist's. As the girl was twenty years old, he paid for twenty roses and asked the florist to send them to the girl's house the next day.
He left her address and a letter full of love.

The florist knew the young man very well because he often bought flowers in his shop.
The florist thought: "The young man is a good customer, my price for the roses was too high, I'll sent thirty roses instead of twenty." And he did so. The next morning he sent thirty red roses to the girl. In the afternoon when the young man came to see her, she did not want to speak to him.
He was very unhappy and went back home. But he never knew why she was so angry with him. Why?